Fetishist and Non Fetishist in Marriage – Contaminating Vanilla

I have been obsessed with spanking for as long as I can remember, it was literally my only interpretation of sexual activity, and kinda still is.

I never knew how or if it would ever find its way into my real life, but as it turns out it didn’t take too long. 

My spanking story started when I was around 21 years old, with someone who certainly seemed to be as into spanking as I was. He performed exquisitely as a dom when it came to how he spoke to me, constantly told me off (usually for perfectly good reason) and appropriately punished me. However, there was no love (I didn’t get that at the time, but I do now,) no aftercare and no safewords, subsequently no feeling of security for me. Nevertheless, this went on/off/on/off for around 2 years.

I won’t go through the whole story here, that’s a post for future me to deal with, but in summary the experience left me realising that I wanted a secure and loving partner over a dom, on the assumption that it was not possible to have both.

Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome my now husband to the blog…

*Rapturous applause and wild dabbing*

Apologies for the spoiler on the “now husband” bit.

Important Note: At time of writing I have not discussed with my husband how “out” he would like to be. So I will be henceforth referring to him as “BeardFace” as it beautifully sums up his essence but will also be easy to swap out in future if he is happy to be named.

I met BeardFace whilst I was still playing on and off with my previous dom, I knew at the time I wanted to start detaching from my dom but was really not looking for a relationship. I had just spent the year recovering from a severe depressive episode and my head was very much getting back on track. Then in walked BeardFace, and although I don’t believe in love at first sight, there was definitely something that hooked me within minutes of meeting him.

Our first date was at my flat, I was more comfortable in a domestic setting (domestic settings will be coming up later in the blog *winks at an imaginary camera) and he lived with his parents at the time so it seemed my place was the best option.

We had a wonderful night, we ate, drunk, watched Red Dwarf and for the first time in a long time I felt completely comfortable and safe in someone’s company. We kissed goodbye at the end of the night and I had a warm fuzzy feeling, like I had swallowed a Furby whole.

Then it hit me, I don’t know exactly what I thought about or when that evening, but my mind inevitably turned to Spanking.

Alas….. this is categorically not my butt

I thought about BeardFace and although we weren’t pushing for sex straightaway, I just couldn’t imagine him ever putting me over his knee, or telling me to “go to my room and wait for him” or even raising his eyebrow at one of my facetious comments.

Could I get on with that? No, no I didn’t think I could.

But he was such a lovely guy, and you felt so happy in his company, are you really gonna turn him down on the assumption he’s too mild mannered and meek to give you a spanking?

Yes, yes I hate to do it but I’m gonna have to.

So I did, I actually contacted him the next day and basically said I wasn’t interested in taking it any further. There was an element of being nervous about starting a new relationship, fear of the unknown etc. But to be totally honest the main drive behind it was feeling I wasn’t going to get what I knew I needed from him.

He was of course very understanding and lovely about it, (which made me feel worse!) but suggested we keep our cinema trip we planned, but just go as friends. I didn’t believe the last part, I thought what man just goes out with a girl he likes and doesn’t make a move? Well, this man, that’s who.

We once again had a lovely night, the film was shit but that wasn’t really the takeaway from the night. He didn’t make a move, he didn’t even awkwardly bring up my rejecting him. He just treated me with respect and as a friend, like he didn’t care how he knew me, just as long as he did.

My heart swole a little.

I drove home that night, closed the door and swore loudly and repeatedly in my own head for sometime. By the time I finished I had made a monumental decision.

Fuck Spanking, I don’t care anymore. All its done so far is cause me problems and here I am turning down the best guy I’ve ever met because of it.

I arranged to meet BeardFace again, I told him I was worried I was “too intense” for him but that I have made a terrible mistake and can we please pick up where we left off.

He said yes and we did, it was awesome.

Wait a minute, I thought this was a Blog about Spanking? 

Yes OK, it is, I was giving you some background, I will skip through to the Spanky related bits now.

Thank you.

No problem.

I was still in contact with my previous dom, not intentionally but we still were in contact due to circumstances I couldn’t control at the time. I stress I had not played with my previous dom since pre-BeardFace, that was my decision and I stuck to it.

I came home one evening to BeardFace and ranted about the way I had been treated/spoken to by the aforementioned chap. He helped console me, patted me on the head and said “there, there” alot, and then asked “why do you think he’s like this to you?” I decided to come clean, I told BeardFace not only that there had been a relationship but also what the nature of it was. I didn’t go too crazy with detail, given that I had already dropped a few bombshells, I thought at least give him a chance to recoup. He took this news as well as I could have expected, but he did encourage me to leave the situation I was in, more for my sanity and happiness than his potential jealousy (I think.)

So I did, I left and I never saw my previous dom again (at time of writing that was about 7 years ago) 

As far as I was concerned I had now left spanking behind too.

But of course it’s not that simple.

A few months later,  it came up again, and it didn’t go too well.

BeardFace and I were at someone’s house drinking, and drinking, and drinking until a cab appeared to ferry our slurring, swaying masses home. Somehow, the subject of my previous dom came up and it made BeardFace angry. He’s not a violent man, if you met him you would instantly see just how accurate that statement was, but he did wanna suddenly know what we would do together and why I would like that. After months of not really mentioning it.

I was in no state to explain my fetish to him at that point, so I in turn was getting annoyed with why he was “bringing this shit up now”

The night ended with me tied to our bed face down, and BeardFace using every implement I owned on me. 

It was not safe, and neither of us enjoyed it, because that’s just not how it’s done.

In all honesty I think he just wanted to try and get it and I think I just wanted to see if he could. I wasn’t scared at any point, as I trusted him even through the clouds of alcohol vapour we were both expelling and I wasn’t really hurt afterwards.

We woke up the next day, had a hearty breakfast of water, ibuprofen and more water and snuggled on the sofa watching TV. We apologised to each other for how the night had gone and left it at that.

Also not my butt

So we carried on, over the next 6 years we got engaged, we got married, we bought a house, we got a dog and we started trying for a baby. All good stuff.

We were having sex, I was getting tied up a few times and even the odd spanking here and there when I really pushed the issue.

I thought that was enough, I was happily married, had a good job, we owned a lovely home, adopted a new puppy and were now trying to become parents.

The baby thing didn’t go to plan over the 3 years we were trying, so we had to go down the IVF route. We were about to start our first round of IVF when suddenly, not unlike the embryos I would shortly create, I froze.

I realised I wasn’t done with spanking, not at all.
I may not have been getting spanked very much, but I had been bratting, just not really to him.

Over the last few years I had been intentionally winding up, teasing and pushing the limits of every male authority figure or older man I had come into contact with. Admittedly I never got a spanking off any of them, but I did get told off and even the occasional punishment, they were not the punishments I wanted, but they were scratching the itch.

Why would the start of fertility treatment bring about this relasiation? Well they have absolutely no connection in theme, but major life decisions and changes tend to bring about these little reviews.

I suddenly felt very guilty, I had been lying to myself and to BeardFace.

I had been getting by on masturbating to spanking and the odd instance here and there with BeardFace, but it wasn’t enough.

I didn’t just want a spanking, I wanted the whole experience, the game, the comeuppance, the roleplay, the rush and excitement of it. I wasn’t getting it, and now on the brink of this major life decision, I was doing it again…..

Could I get on without it? No, no I didn’t think I could.

But he’s your husband, you love him more than anything and you’ve been through and built so much together, are you really gonna risk throwing that all away because he doesn’t seem willing or able to discipline you?

Yes, yes I hate this, I hate this so much, but I need to tell him.

So I explained this to him. The conversation went much deeper this time, is went beyond “I like being spanked,” I went into being a brat, what that was, what reaction I liked getting and why this was such a big deal to me, how this was part of who I was and I couldn’t keep on repressing it,

I don’t know what reaction I expected, but the one I got wasn’t encouraging.

He didn’t get it, and at that moment he didn’t want to.
He was angry why this was coming out now after 6 years of happy marriage – Fair.
Ha was annoyed that I basically admitted I was trying to tease other men for my own sexual gratification – Fair.
He was frustrated that I was expecting him to be able to accommodate this “thing” he just didn’t understand or enjoy – Also Fair

I couldn’t really answer these fair questions, which didn’t help.
Why so long? Because I didn’t want to lose you.
Why the other men? I didn’t mean to, it was just a knee jerk reaction, a way to express it without doing anything actually intimate or sexual.
Why do I expect you to accommodate? I don’t expect you to, but this is how I feel and if you can’t I’m not gonna magically stop feeling it.

It was horrible, our conversations were so emotional and everyone we had turned into a crying or shouting match within seconds. I honestly thought for a bit the marriage was over.

I know it sounds like emotional blackmail, and I don’t like how it ended up happening, but the biggest concern in my head was that I was gonna keep trying to get my discipline kicks elsewhere and that was not fair on BeardFace.

I even suggested an open relationship, so I could get my fix and then the marriage could stay as it always was. He hated that idea (at the time) so I didn’t push the subject.

When I concluded if we couldn’t come up with a compromise the marriage may not work, he said he didn’t want that to happen but that he didn’t want me to be unfulfilled or unhappy so he would understand if i went that way.

I was as low as I could get, I loved BeardFace with all my heart, I loved our life but this was just too big to try and repress again. Even if I pushed it back down now it would just re-emerge later in life again and again, what was the point in delaying the inevitable. So I got it into my head that it was over.

Then something wonderful happened.

We were both back at work the next day, and I got a message from BeardFace that morning.

“Im gonna research at the computer because you are right I’m not listening to you. I need to research but work keeps blocking the sites I’m trying to look at. I think Im not listening because I don’t want to hear you say our relationship needs changing when I think it’s fine”

I calmed reading this, after the initial “lol” of him trying to access information about spanking fetishes on a work computer.

BeardFace – hard at work

This was the first time I had heard him even suggest he was willing to try and understand. He was right though, he hadn’t really listened to me. There are so many preconceptions about consensual spanking between adults and he had thrown several at me over the preceding few days.

Its just me causing you pain, why do you want that?

So you want me to change the person I am?

So you want to just become a mindless slave?

And so so many more.

I had answered these for him the best I could, that no I didn’t want to be a slave, he didn’t need to change who he was and that it is categorically not about the pain. It is for some bottoms, but not for me. He didn’t really absorb these answers at all or ask any counter questions, he had just brushed them off.

I responded as follows;

“I’m not blaming you for this, for any of it. It’s me who’s imposing it and I know it’s unfair and a big ask. But there’s no point me brushing it under the carpet again. I probably could this time but it will come up again and again. And if it’s gonna keep coming up and making me unhappy, it doesn’t bode well for the future.”

I didn’t know what he looked at that day exactly, but when I picked him up that evening he looked happy, and that made me happy.

We parked up at the supermarket to get something for dinner, but paused to have a chat in the car first. The atmosphere was relaxed and BeardFace announced quite casually “I think I get it now” not knowing with those 6 words he had lifted a comedy sized anvil off my chest.

Of course he didn’t really get it at this point, but he got enough. Whatever he had read, he now understood that it wasn’t about pain, this was not about me being beaten into orgasm and it certainly was not a request to be a 24/7 slave to him.

This was my fetish, this was now past being a “want” and was now a “need.”
I don’t believe he had really seen it as a way of life for some people before his reading.

I needed spanking, punishment and opportunities to submit to be weaved into the fabric of our otherwise beautifully happy marriage.

My fetish wasn’t going anywhere. It never has and it never will.

It’s not something I can turn off at will, it’s a part of who I am and have always been.

The very fact that I was as torn up about it as he witnessed me be, and the fact I was considering having to walk away from the person I loved most in the world over this showed him how serious this was to me.

There are some who say you can’t “convert” a “vanilla”

I don’t know, if something is ingrained in me like this from before I can remember then I guess that’s not exactly something you can be taught how to enjoy or be into.

On the other hand, who am I to declare you can’t alter your tastes and passions through life, surely that’s what keeps it exciting?

Maybe BeardFace wasn’t going to be able to get into this, or maybe he could play the part but not ever really appreciate the feeling behind it. I couldn’t know any of these answers at the time.
All I did know was he had swallowed his pride and inhibitions, popped his head through the curtain of my world and came out going “Oh, well that looks interesting, tell me more…..”

So I did tell him more, and show him more, and he is not only now willing but actually happy to listen and learn, he even carried on doing his own private research on the matter.

Getting spanked by someone you trust is a lot of fun, getting spanked by the man you love sends you to a whole different plain of existence (in a good way.)

That man was now accepting my world and asking to be part of it, and that was good enough for me……..

2 thoughts on “Fetishist and Non Fetishist in Marriage – Contaminating Vanilla

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