What do you mean you’ve never heard of The Spanklux Colour Chart? Oh, it must not be a thing. No problem, I’ll explain it.
The Marginally Sensible Explanation
Well, when BeardFace (BF) and I first “got going” we were trying to ascertain how hard a spanking I wanted from him and how hard BF was comfortable to spank. At first even the slightest of speckling made poor BF uneasy. So, he’d start swinging a hairbrush with the intention of writing off the afternoon, only to want to stop after a few swings because “that bits going a bit purple” (I am equally delighted and horrified to report he no longer has such worries about marking!)
We started using other peoples pictures to see what level of marking he would be comfortable with. Thanks for that “Butts of the internet.“
Problem being, once we found the hue he liked, we didn’t always know how to get there.
So being the helpful little thing that I am, I have made a reference chart for Shades of Pink and how to get there, or at least how to get my butt there. I am hoping to expand to reds and purples in the future, *crosses all fingers
The Honest Explanation
Its just some silly spanky nonsense, offering some tremendous benefits to my dear readers.
Loads of butt pics
You get to see my butt get gradually redder over a series of pictures.
You can turn these images into a flip book? In case you wanted to have a nineteenth century style pornography experience.
If you wish to paint a room to match a spanked bottom, I’m giving you the exact colour match without the embarrassment of taking you underwear down at a confused paint technician at the DIY store.
Without further Ado….
40 x Hand
Pink Sandstone
80 x Hand
Pressed Petal
120 x Hand
Blush Noisette 2
160 x Hand
Blush Noisette 2
200 x Hand
Adobe Pink 1
240 x Hand
Thai Magic 2
280 x Hand
Raspberry Diva
320 x Hand
Stolen Rose
320 x Hand & 20 Ping Pong Paddle
Auburn Embers
320 x Hand & 40 Ping Pong Paddle
Blush Noisette 1
320 x Hand & 60 Ping Pong Paddle
Red Ochre
320 x Hand & 80 Ping Pong Paddle
Redcurrant Glory
320 x Hand & 100 Ping Pong Paddle
Oyster Cove 1
320 x Hand & 100 Ping Pong Paddle & 10 Wooden Ruler
Sicilian Summer 1
320 x Hand & 100 Ping Pong Paddle & 20 Wooden Ruler
Velvet Cake
320 x Hand & 100 Ping Pong Paddle & 30 Wooden Ruler
Nomadic Glow 1
320 x Hand & 100 Ping Pong Paddle & 40 Wooden Ruler
Gipsy Bloom 2
320 x Hand & 100 Ping Pong Paddle & 40 Wooden Ruler & 20 Leather Paddle
Adobe Pink 2
320 x Hand & 100 Ping Pong Paddle & 40 Wooden Ruler & 40 Leather Paddle
Fitzrovia Red
320 x Hand & 100 Ping Pong Paddle & 40 Wooden Ruler & 60 Leather Paddle
If you are not familiar with bratting, or being a brat in the context of adult BDSM, Spanking or Disciplinary play. A Brat is a particular flavour of Submissive who, put simply, wants to not just get their punishment, they want to have earned it. They will be defiant, badly behaved, cheeky, erratic, moody, pouty. Whatever it takes to get their Dominants full attention and get their disciplinary gears grinding.
Quite frankly, I consider Bratting to be a service. Stay with me…. Some Doms have to analyse their Subs choices and behaviours and make rational decisions based on their findings, then determine the best approach. A Dom of a Brat, just walks in the room, trips over and goes, “OK, she’s tied my shoelaces together. I’d best undo those and get the wooden spoon.”
We make it easy for them. So you’re welcome!
I am a Brat, hear me roar! (No wait, that’s something else.) I am a Brat, and I love it. I don’t know exactly why I steered towards bratting over more traditional submission, but it makes it so much more fun for me, and as it turns out for my husband too. In everyday life, I enjoy outsmarting people (where possible) and I like being naughty, in a not too offensive way. The fun part is getting reactions for these misdemeanours, normally in the form of a telling off or mild punishment.
Vanilla Example Friend/Co-Worker/Man at Bus Stop – Do you have the time? Me – I do, thank you for asking. Friend/Co-Worker/Man at Bus Stop – Oh, you *shakes head affectionately. Please could you tell me the time. Me – It’s half 2. Friend/Co-Worker/Man at Bus Stop – Thank you *Both parties chuckle heartily.
Now lets transfer that to a Domestic D/s scenario. Husband – Baby, do you have the time? Me – I do, thank you for asking. Husband – Oh, you *shakes head affectionately but also narrows eyes slightly. Please could you tell me the time. Me – It’s half 2. Husband – Thank you, wasn’t so difficult was it? Me – You should have been clearer in your line of questioning. Husband – Yer-ha *grabs my wrist and pulls me over his knee. *Both parties chuckle heartily, but under a barrage of slappy noises.
Cute right? Well I think it is.
But Dismay Queen, how can I too instigate this type of fun, playful but highly charged spanking action with my Dominant?
Well firstly, how the hell did you get in my house? Secondly, Allow me to explain….
For starters, it is worth mentioning every dynamic is different. And that one person’s definition of bratting is another’s definition of just being disrespectful or worse, just being nasty. Like soft and hard limits, You need to work out with your partner where the lines are between being a bit sassy and actually causing offense or upset.
For us, when I’m being bratty. I’ll be as cheeky and silly as I want, I’ll talk back, be sarcastic, tease and pull the odd practical and/or physical joke at the expense of my husband. Chances are those would result in a spanking, telling off or other punishment, dependant on his mood of course.
Things that I would not do under the guise of “bratting” would include anything personal, (jokes about weight, appearance, emotional response) any practical or physical jokes that have the potential to result in serious hurt or humiliation for my husband and refusal to do any important things in regards to our kids, house or finances.
E.g. Not loading the dishwasher that evening, when questioned I say “and what?” and stick my tongue out = Bratty Putting the dirty dishes in our child’s crib as a “joke” for when my husband does bedtime = Not Bratty, just being a dick.
I can Brat perfectly well from in here, thank you.
Also, I don’t do tantrums or wild physical challenges. This is not a boundary or principal thing, I just don’t ever have that kind of energy.
So if you are anything like me, and I hope for your sake you are not. (For I, am an absolute mess.) Bratting is a perfect opportunity to flex your verbal sparring techniques in the absence of any physical prowess.
But Dismay Queen, I am in no way, shape or form as articulate and sparklingly intelligent as you are. How do I even start to Brat verbally at that level?
Well firstly, seriously, how did you get in my house, should I be concerned for my safety? Secondly, Don’t worry, not many are. Thirdly, I’m going to go ahead and give you some inspiration, because I’m that kind of person.
Bratting can be exhausting (*pulls out worlds smallest violin and plays a lament for brats everywhere), and coming up with witticisms and snappy one liners can be tricky when you are tired and/or getting your butt shredded with a belt.
So here are my favourite ways of bratting (primarily) verbally, along with some lines and examples you can use from the comfort of your own home.
Sarcasm (Well placed and subtle)
I’ve added the brackets because pure sarcasm can start to grate, and not in a good way. I find this one is a really good instigator, it gets his palms twitching and acts as a nice little chequered flag to show I’m in the mood for a spanking. The key to subtlety is to be deadpan about it. For example;
BeardFace is playing a computer game, he is currently in last place out of 60 players. BF: I think I might lose this. DQ: *Deadpan and monotone – You reckon? BF:…………… *gives the look
The spanking wheels in his head are probably turning right about now.
Whereas;
BeardFace is playing a computer game, he is currently in last place out of 60 players. BF: I think I might lose this. DQ: *mock derpy voice – Oooooohhhhh do you think so genius? Really you think the player in 60th place will come last? Well lets just see if that is what happens, oh my god its so tense! BF:…………… – What the hell is wrong with you? Do I need to call an exorcist?
You see what I mean about subtlety, with sarcasm I always find less is more. And more equals more spanking!
We’ve already handled how to react when he is being Captain Obvious, but other areas you can utilise your subtle sarcasm are as follows;
When he gives a warning to you, but then slips up himself. BF: Take your cup out to the kitchen, don’t just leave it on the sofa. DQ: Fine! *takes out the cup huffily.
*Later that day, the dog is found licking tea out of a cup on the sofa.
BF: Did the dog get hold of my cup!? DQ: Well, he got hold of A cup, but it couldn’t have been yours, because you would never leave it on the sofa. BF: OK, upstairs! *DQ goes upstairs huffily.
He makes an inaccurate prediction. BF: We should probably head back, it looks like it’s about to start pouring down. *DQ and BF head back to car. *Hours of glorious sunshine later. BF: Car’s looking a bit dirty. DQ: Yeah, it’s weird that it didn’t get cleaned in that downpour of torrential rain we had….. BF: Yeah that is weird, *unloops belt from trousers.
Being Cheeky/Sassy
I mean this is just bread and butter for brats right? It’s a bit when manufacturers write “may contain nuts” on a bag of peanuts. Well duh! So I won’t bang on about it, but as with my sarcasm I like to keep it smart and subtle. Here are some to grow on;
I’m over his knee about to get spanked. BF: Okay you are getting 50 and I’m not gonna go easy. *BeardFace starts spanking, he gets about 20 in… DQ: Are you gonna let me know when you start?
I love being cheeky when already over his knee, because you will normally get a pause in action followed closely by an exasperated sigh. That noise is like catnip for Brats! Bratnip! *pats self on back.
You are watching TV in the lounge, he is upstairs. DQ: *Shouts, Could you turn the heating back on, please? BF: *Shouts, Could I what? DQ: *Shouts Turn the heating back on, please? BF: *Shouts Turn the what? DQ: *Shouts Heating back on, please? BF: *Shouts I can’t hear you and I don’t want to keep shouting through walls like this! DQ: *Shouts Good idea, you can come down here then! *He heard that fine.
And the radiators are soon not the only things emitting heat.
Public Squirming Opportunities
This one doesn’t come up too often during a pandemic, but it’s always been a guilty pleasure of mine. To have a little in-joke between the 2 of you, and especially effective if you are in the company of non-Spankos. Examples;
In a friends kitchen. DQ: That’s a nice set of spatulas. Friend: Thank you. DQ: We need a set like that, ours keep breaking. Friend: How the hell do you break a spatula? *BF stares and shakes his head at me. DQ: Not sure, just accident prone. *BF exhales, but give the “wait till I get you home face”
At a restaurant. BF: Can we order the steak please. Waiter: Of course Sir, how would you like that done? BF: What cuts are there? Waiter: We have T-bone, Sirloin or Rump. DQ: Oooo, I’d like the Rump rare please. Like bright red! BF: *Looks at me knowingly – Yeah rare Rump sounds good to me.
Loopholes and Outsmarting
Saving the best till last. In my opinion. I love thinking my way out of a problem. No one likes to be outsmarted. I wouldn’t know as its never happened to me personally, but I hear it’s not great for the ego. So lets do it!
Loopholes in rule breaking BF: Don’t eat all the cookies. DQ: Of course not. *DQ eats all but one of the cookies. BF presents an almost empty bag to DQ. BF: Care to explain? DQ: I didn’t eat all of them. BF: Fair enough, well I’ll put this last cookie in the middle of the dining table. If you want it you’ll need to bend over and eat it at the table. DQ: OK! *runs excitedly to the cookie.
Because Dismay Queen cares more about cookies than consequences!
Correcting Grammar, Spelling etc.. BF: Could you bring me my shoe, please? DQ: How are you spelling shoe? BF: What? Why? Doesn’t matter. *DQ goes and returns with 2 profiteroles. BF: Huh? DQ: You wanted your Choux? *BF puts me in the corner, whilst he eats the profiteroles and fetches his own shoe.
Reinterpreting the Question (see also the “do you have the time?” example) BF: Have you seen my jacket? DQ: Yes. BF: Where? DQ: On the hook, on your body, in the back seat of the car…. BF: I meant where is it currently? DQ: How should I know? BF: You said you’d se…… Oh, OK.
*Later that night.
DQ: Did you find your jacket? BF: No talking from the corner!
If you want to add some garnish to these verbal canapés. Some good physical examples are…..
Hey! You said this was all verbal and no physical excursion would be required!
Well Firstly, Why are you still here! I’ve called the police, they will be here any minute. Secondly, I promise you the physical excursion is minimal. Otherwise there is no way I would publicly endorse them.
Eye Rolling – A brats eyeballs can be compared to a compulsive smoker. In that they are constantly rolling up. It’s a subtle way of saying “you are boring me now” or “whatever!” and it rarely goes unnoticed.
Poking or Tickling – Again, keep it mild or it will just be annoying. BeardFace gets squirmy when being lightly touched, so it’s an easy way to get a quick telling off. It can also be a good way to get them in the mood, depending where you choose to poke or tickle.
Teasing – I could put trousers on, or I could just walk around the house in just a vest top and panties with the under curve of my butt on show. I could tidy the bookshelf in front of me, or I could tidy the one right at the bottom so I need to bend over right in front of him. I could turn sideways to scooch past him in the kitchen, or I could turn round the other way and brush everything against him as I pass. Of course if at any point I get stopped and asked if I’m doing this deliberately, I give him the most innocent look I can muster and plead ignorance. I then get to walk around the house in just a vest top and panties with the under curve of my bright red butt on show.
Giggling – Not really something you do consciously, but being giggly during a punishment or telling off is normally only going to end badly for me. However, if you can get them giggling with you, they may just think you are far too cute to go hard on that night. Just a quick OTK then a hot chocolate and cuddle it is.
However you choose to Brat, remember to have fun with it. Just ensure your top is having fun with it too. Timing is everything, make sure you read the room before firing up the Brat cylinders. Even the gooiest brat loving of doms just sometimes just really don’t need that shit right now. And you know, if you are not too fussed with the “it’s the right thing to do” angle sometimes being the perfect partner can still get you a good girl/boy spanking? So there’s that.
Anyway, that’s enough blogging. I should probably go to my room…..
And remember, if asked “Are you doing this deliberately?” You can’t lie to your Dom, that’s just wrong, right? You say “Sure am, what are you going to do about it?” They will respect your honesty………. I assume.
Brat safe out there. Disclaimer: You didn’t hear this from me. If any Doms come for me, I will burn this blog and deny everything.
I’ve been writing a lot about my experience both before and during my marriage, as well as how my husband has been getting involved. All from my point of view though. I thought it would be good to hear a bit from the horse’s mouth as it were. So I did what any loving wife would do, and requested his time for a formal interview. He told me to contact his people, and after 4-6 Business days they permitted me a couple hours of his time.
It covers a bit of his background and history with sexual exploration, our meeting, him finding out about me being a Spanking Fetishist and my time with Sportscar (See Storytime – My First Spanking and the Unrequited Dynamic for context) and his journey as he learnt to accept, adapt, engage and ultimately enjoy (yes, enjoy!) this Spanky world of ours.
The questions highlighted have been asked by me, and we will be showing as DQ (DismayQueen) and BF (BeardFace) respectively.
This was a recorded interview that I typed up afterwards. This involved me having to listen to my own voice for quite some time, and as listening to my own voice on tape is the worst thing in the world for me and I want you to all award me a small medal in your own heads right now. I’ll wait…..
Thank you
Without further ado, this is how it went down.
Mini BeardFace
When and how did you first learn about sex?
BF: Sex?
Off to a promising start BF: Honestly couldn’t tell you, it’s got to be at school, I guess? I probably learnt most of it through viewing porn. I inherited porn from a computer I got from my older brother. DQ: Naturally. BF: Well yeah, I found it in his secret folder. DQ: The one called “DEFINITELY NOT PORN” BF: How did you know!? No, I think it was just a “hidden” folder, that I unhiddened. There was one called “Aqua Pants Girl” or something, I can’t really remember but it was a woman who stripped and played with herself. DQ: So it was all pretty “conventional” porn, in the sense of nothing kinky or unusual? BF: Yeah pretty much. DQ: Penetration, Moaning, Groaning, Licking etc. BF: Mmm-Hmm. There was a video, that I’ve watched again recently, that’s from something called “18 & Confused” that was about a schoolgirl (a legal “schoolgirl”) who is sleeping with someone’s husband, and the wife knows and forces the schoolgirl to sleep with the husband again in front of her. DQ: Did you like the forceful aspect if it? BF: I don’t think so, It was just sex really, I just liked the sex.
Growing up, how did you access porn and what did you start to look for?
BF: Just any porn sites really. It was tricky at that time though, because living with my family and having it appear on your internet bill. To avoid that it was just a case of looking at the freebie videos and teaser trailers. There were no “Tube” type sites to watch for free. DQ: So you didn’t really know what you wanted to see, you were just happy to take what you could get? BF: Yeah, I had no specific kink or preference, it was just porn. As long as it got me hard and I could masturbate to it, it was fine. DQ: Did you have a computer in your room? BF: Not to start off with, that’s what made it difficult, because I had to use my dad’s computer. He did actually find out once. DQ: I think most parents know what goes on, to be fair. BF: The phone bill was a lot higher that month and he saw the culprit on the bill and looked it up. I didn’t realise I had actually accessed it, but I must of by mistake. DQ: Didn’t I go on your computer once, and saw some girls pop up in the bottom right hand corner? BF: Oh yeah, Virtual Girls! I still enjoy those, it’s Desk Babes now though.
BeardFace gives a look of fond nostalgia
DQ: And it’s just girls chilling out naked on your desktop? BF: Yeah they just hang out, they don’t do anything to themselves for your entertainment. They are just there minding their own business. Aside from them, more recently I tend to seek out anal videos, like in the last decade. I don’t know why, its not that I actually want to do anything anal, but I prefer it in my porn for some reason. DQ: That’s something I’ve learnt recently, since looking into it more. When I got on Fetlife, and it presented a list of all fetishes you can select for your profile. It had the usual suspects, like Spanking and Bondage, and more specific versions like Japanese Rope Bondage, and then it just had Masturbation as its own category. And I thought, “oh yeah, I guess it is its own thing?” BF: Well I’d say it’s pretty much my fetish, I have always preferred masturbating to actually having sex. For me, when having sex I can’t climax, so ultimately sex seems a bit pointless because I can’t reach that end point. I don’t mind doing it, because the act of it is enjoyable, but if I can’t climax it just kind of sucks 😦 DQ: Plus masturbating, gives you the opportunity to look out for things you don’t do or have the chance or inclination to do in real life. Like, you say you look for anal, but have never actually wanted to do any anal stuff. BF: Yeah, well now, as in the last few weeks, it’s different again. I’ve been doing something called “Jerk Off Instructions.” As I’ve said before, it’s not that I want to be dominated by someone, but I can be submissive to myself, by forcing myself to follow someone else’s instructions, without actually being ordered around or physically submitting to anyone. DQ: I guess that’s why masturbation is its own sub section, because it gives you that chance to try new things out in the safety of your own head. BF: I used to do one called “Cock Hero” where you had to masturbate to the beat, but this one is more about setting your own pace as you follow the instructions. So for example, it says “Put a Peg on your Balls” and I did, and I liked it.
Mental note – wash our clothes pegs
BF: I do like these types of games, it introduces you to new ways of masturbating, and masturbating is my thing.
What have you done with partners prior to me?
BF: Well….. DQ: Penetrative sex we can just assume as a given. BF: Well, I won’t say much for one of them, but suffice to say it was pretty mundane. DQ: Penis goes in, penis goes out and so on? BF: Yep that’s the one, I’ve had blowjobs, I didn’t find them particularly exciting. They never are, I don’t get it, the mouth is a loose hole. There’s a much better hole to use, I’d rather just stick it in the vagina. I did potentially fist a girl? But I don’t think it was all the way, it was more like this.
BeardFace holds up a hand and makes a gesture like he’s about to start doing shadow puppets.
BF: I think it was just up to the knuckles. DQ: How was that? BF: It was probably my first experience of being the dominant partner, I thought it was a good chance to try out some new stuff. DQ: Was this with….. BF: Urrmmmnnnaaaa, lets not. DQ: I’m not going to write it, I’m just working out in my head who it was. BF: Lets just say I’ve had some terrible relationships. DQ: Well thank god for me!
BeardFace makes an unenthusiastic mumbling “yeah” noise.
BF: But I have had some horrible relationships, that’s maybe why sex doesn’t really matter to me, because so often in the past its had a negative connotation. Like I didn’t actually want to be there or do it, it was just to satisfy someone else, not myself. When I do it with you, I love you, so our sex is fantastic because I want to be there and doing it with you.
DismayQueen makes an unenthusiastic mumbling “aww” noise.
DQ: So, we are going to veer away from sex, briefly, just briefly. To talk about me! Be honest, though. Don’t worry about being nice to me. BF: OK, you’re a slut. DQ: That’s the spirit! Channel that energy.
Meeting Me / The Apex of his existence
What did you first think of me the night we met?
BeardFace inhales contemplatively
BF: I thought you were very pretty when I first sat down. DQ: And when you stood up? BF: Yeah then too. I mean, you know me I’m kind of self-contained so I didn’t really think about anyone I met that night too much. I get stuck in my own head ALOT, so we can be talking and I may not be listening. You know this very well. DQ: Oh yes, yes I do. So you weren’t looking at me as a prospective partner? BF: No, I was told you were single by my friends, but we were all just having a good night. Saying that, once we got to the karaoke portion of the night and we were together a bit more, I thought “yeah I really like this person.” They are funny, witty, quite intelligent, but I didn’t really know anything about you. I didn’t get to ask you about your job, college, life etc. I didn’t really feel the need to, I just really liked your personality. When it got to the end of the night and we were dropping you off from the taxi, I did kind of want to get out and go back to yours but I’m not the kind of bloke to push that on a first meeting. I think that was the right thing to do, it made me like the idea of you more having that initial separation. DQ: Yeah, I think if you had asked to come in that night, it wouldn’t have ruined your chances but I would have probably thought “woah, back off a bit dude.” So yeah, definitely the right decision. BF: Because I ain’t a dickhead, and I treat people with respect! DQ: You want me to write that? BF: Please
Done!
DQ: So you weren’t looking for a relationship at the time? BF: Not really. DQ: But you were open to the idea? BF: Always open to the idea. DQ: Always? Even now? BF: Always, if a woman flies through that window right now, or if a guy flew through that window. I’m probably getting swept away. They would have just flown through the window to take me away on a magical trip. How could I refuse?
What? It’s OK, never mind, we’ll move on….
When we did get our first date, at my flat, what did you think of me that night?
BF: Well I was drinking. DQ: Yep BF: So I don’t remember a whole lot, we had Indian? DQ: Chinese
DismayQueen huffs in umbrage.
BF: Chinese, that was it! I remember Chinese and Red Dwarf. DQ: To be fair, Chinese and Red Dwarf were the two defining points of the night. BF: We did talk a lot, but the problem is we’ve talked so much over the last 8 years I can’t remember what we’ve said to each other and when. So I don’t remember exactly what we talked about that night, but I was enamoured with you. I wanted to be with you, I kissed you. DQ: You did. BF: *in a nauseating voiceI gave you a kissy kiss. DQ: Stop that. BF: It was a good kiss, it made me want more kisses. It was our first date, so I didn’t want to push anything too far, but I wanted to show my intentions. We were getting closer all night, we were cuddly and the kiss felt right on the night. Then obviously you fucked me over. DQ: Yeah, we’ll get to that in a bit. BF: OK. DQ: But the doubt part crept in the following days when left alone with my own head, the night itself felt good. BF: It’s good to have doubts, it means you’re questioning something important. If you don’t have doubts it means you are just going to wilt in ignorance. DQ: Wilt in Ignorance? BF: WILT IN IGNORANCE!
So after our date I told you I wasn’t interested, then regretted that and met up with you to tell you I had made a mistake, the reasoning I gave was that I thought I was “too intense” for you. What did you think I meant by that?
BF: I didn’t understand why you thought that, I had been with girls far more intense than you seemed. DQ: Well, you now know what I meant by that was I was into being spanked and disciplined, and I assumed you were not a fit for that. But at the time how did you perceive that statement? BF: It’s difficult to say, I just assumed maybe you were scared of the idea of a relationship. That’s why I suggested going out as friends, I didn’t want to force you into anything but I very much liked you as a person. I figured by intense you meant you were pushing yourself into something before you were ready, because you had had bad relationships?
Which Segway’s nicely into….
DQ: I think it was a few months into it, you were round my flat a bit more for days at a time. This was the night I told you about Sportscar.
BeardFace has not read all of my blog, so let out a single guffaw when hearing I had called the other guy “Sportscar”
BF: I will refer to him as “Dickhead” DQ: Potato, Potato (imagine them pronounce differently, its hard to write!) Either way, I told you about him was whilst I was still hanging out with him, but he had become more vindictive towards me since I had got together with you and I had called off our “arrangement.” I came home one day and complained to you about how he was being, and you asked why he would be like that? BF: Sounds right. DQ: I then told you all about our (sort of) relationship.
How did you feel when I told you about SportsCar, both the relationship to begin with and then the added element of the Spanking?
BF: What was this like 20 years ago? DQ: Well, we’ve been together 8 years, so no. I can’t remember if I told you about the spanking on the same night, or a few days after? BF: Hearing about the relationship I thought it sounded weird, and that you needed to get away from him. I don’t think you did tell me about the spanking on the same night. DQ: I think it came up later, when the question of did you have sex came up and I had to respond with “urm…… Not really” which raised further questions, like “does she actually know what sex is, if she’s not sure whether she’s had it or not?” BF: When you did tell me about the spanking, I was aware of spanking as a sexual act. I just thought you wanted that in that particular scenario. I never thought “does she want that from me?” I thought the whole thing with SportsCar sounded a bit self destructive and maybe that was just part of it? There was no anger or judgement around it, it happened before we met and I was madly falling in love with you. DQ: You were aware of spanking as a fetish then? BF: I’m aware of most fetishes, from all the porn I watch. I never had any issues or judgements with fetishes, as I’ve seen people do all sorts and be very happy doing it. It was also in CSI alot! A lot of cop dramas come to think of it, they go into BDSM clubs and stuff. I remember a CSI episode where one of the main characters got dominated by a woman and thinking “Oh, he seems to be enjoying this, well if you can get something out of this emotionally like this. It’s a good thing!” There was clearly a lot more to it than I knew at the time. DQ: When was this? BF: Probably at Uni, I was maybe 19-20. DQ: So you were aware of it but not into it yourself? BF: I’ve always been about people doing whatever they want, as long as it’s consensual. DQ: Did you finding out I had been getting spanked make you change your opinion of me at all? BF: Nope. DQ: Were you jealous that he had done something to me you hadn’t? BF: Nope, not at all. Because it wasn’t something I wanted, so I couldn’t have been envious.
The First Night we played
DQ: So the next milestone in this story, as I recall, was the night we went to someone’s house, got very drunk…. BF: Sounds like us. DQ: Quite, then as we were walking over to the cab to go home, the subject of Sportscar came up. You were quite annoyed by it, and I was annoyed at you for being annoyed about it all of a sudden. The key point of it is when we got home, that was the first time we ever “played” BF: Yes………. And it was a long time after that before we did again. DQ: Ah, now I’m glad you said that, because that was how I remember it too. We’ll come onto that in a sec. For now, I’m not expecting much from this question, because admittedly, I don’t remember much from that night…..
What do you remember of the first night we “played?“
Stock Photo – Imagine this but darker, the smell of vodka in the air and cellulite on those thighs. Now you’ve got it!
BF: I remember some of it. I went pretty hard on you. DQ: I remember being tied to the bed, face down. I got whipped. BF: Yeah, the emotion behind it was definitely in the wrong place. DQ: Oh completely. I don’t imagine the alcohol helped that. BF: I don’t know that I really got into it, it was more of a “is this really what you want?” DQ: My view of it, was that we were talking about it, and I think you kind of just wanted to see what the fuss was about? BF: Yeah, part that, but also it was just such a bad lead up to it. It really didn’t feel good on any level, because of the headspace we were in. I know we had agreed in the past that we could try this and that you trusted me etc. It still felt more abusive than playful to me at the time. DQ: I don’t remember particularly enjoying it. BF: No, I’m not surprised. DQ: But I do remember feeling safe, even though it wasn’t done the way we would have wanted I never felt unsafe in your hands. BF: Oh god, no I was never going to actually hurt you, I knew enough about what was going on to stop it at the right time. DQ: When we woke up the next morning, we apologised to each other and that was that, for a very long time. BF: Yesssssss. A very long time. Well we didn’t really play again until the end of last year? DQ: Yeah I couldn’t get my head around the fact it was that long a gap between them, but it really was. BF: About 4 and a half years. DQ: Thats right, I mean, there was bondage along the way, I got tied up quite a few times. BF: We definitely did tying up and stuff, and according to my BDSM Test, I do kind of like that apparently! DQ: I was always getting my butt slapped, just in general round the house. BF: Yeah, I did quite get into just randomly smacking your butt. I’m starting to think we did have another session or two in between, but not very good ones. DQ: You might be right there, but before the conversation last year, I don’t think I had ever really explained it to you properly? BF: No. DQ: Not told you how it made me feel or the dynamic or anything. I’d just said “it’s hot, I like it” BF: I just felt like I could provide what you wanted, by smacking your butt, but without any context. I didn’t know why I was doing it, or what it made you feel like. It never really turned me on, sometimes it did a bit, but not always.
The Conversation
DQ: We now move onto “The Conversation” it was just before we started IVF, we were in the inquiry/test part of IVF but hadn’t started treatment yet. Then suddenly I came to the realisation that I was…… BF: Lying to yourself! DQ: Correct, I was…. BF: And lying to me. DQ: Also correct.
Let her fucking finish!
DQ: I was lying to others in a way. I was bratting other guys I knew for my own fulfilment. BF: Yeah that really annoyed me. DQ: Yeah, I can get that. BF: I mean you were literally going to others to get something you hadn’t even asked to get from me. Actually its more that you had attempted to get it from me but I never understood why you were being like that. I always just saw it as you being really fucking annoying.
DismayQueen giggles.
BF: I didn’t get that it was a sexual thing, I just thought “why are you calling me names? What are you winding me up for?” You did that to me ALOT. DQ: Yeah I did. BF: I kept telling you to stop doing it because it just made me feel bad, I didn’t know there was a reason behind it, that wasn’t fun for me. Now I know there’s a reason behind it, it doesn’t affect me in the same way. Then I get to play my part and say “No, you don’t get to talk to me like that, Missy”
DismayQueen giggles harder. BeardFace also giggles and accuses DQ of getting wet. DismayQueen will neither confirm nor deny these accusations.
What do you remember of The Conversation? When I finally reached breaking point and came out to you properly?
BF: Well you got really depressed, and I kept pushing you to talk to me about it, because you weren’t saying a thing, for about a week. Then you did tell me about everything, the bratting, the need to be spanked and disciplined and I just went mental, for that one night. You ran away, one of the 2 times you’ve got in the car and stormed off. DQ: Did I? BF: Yeah, but it was fair enough, you needed some time away from me for us both to calm down. I just felt like so much changed in my head so quickly and I couldn’t handle it. My brain just couldn’t digest all that information in such a short period of time. DQ: How had you perceived what I had said at that point. BF: I kind of felt like you had cheated on me, because you had not told me anything about it, you were just seeking it out from other people without letting me know. So it felt a lot like cheating. I thought “ I can provide this service, why is she going elsewhere?” DQ: That’s the thing though, at the time and prior to that, I didn’t feel like you could. That’s not to say I didn’t think you were capable, I just didn’t think you wanted to. BF: Well, hindsight’s a wonderful thing, but you can’t make those kinds of assumptions about people you want to spend the rest of your life with. You need to know what each other want out of life, and I thought we knew what we wanted and it turned out I didn’t know. DQ: Well, I had made the assumption you wouldn’t want to, that then transferred to my head as “Well, I don’t need it anyway, so it doesn’t matter.” That worked for quite a while.
Trying to make it work
BF: We tried to play after finding that out, but I still wasn’t into it. I did it for you, but I still didn’t understand the dynamic side of it. It was still just butt smacking. So as it progressed, we had to find other ways to make it better. DQ: Whoa, whoa you’re skipping ahead! BF: Sorry, yes.
That’s right, “Sorry yes” I ask the questions! 😡
DQ: During the conversation period, of about a week. We would try and discuss it in the evenings. In Fact I remember right here. BF: In this here bed. DQ: The very same, you spanked me then afterwards I said something like “maybe next time try and do it harder” or something like that. Then you flipped out and I totally understand why. BF: *whiny voice, I was trrrryyyyiiiinnngggg. DQ: I feel like you said something like “this isn’t a knocking shop” but I can’t now ever imagine you using that phrase…… BF: Kno-King-Sh-op? DQ: Yeah. BF: I do say alot of words, so its possible. DQ: I think I had asked why you couldn’t just try doing it harder and you reacted in that way. Then it turned into an argument. The breakthrough, was that day I dropped you off at work and you messaged me to say you were going to read up on it. BF: It wasn’t just that day. DQ: Oh really? BF: Yeah I had been looking up on it for days trying to find answers.
When you started researching spanking and dynamics, what did you look for?
Such a good girl?
BF: I was looking for a way for me to be able to comfortably get involved, because I could only perceive it as something punishing, and I am not comfortable hurting people. So the idea of that didn’t sit well with me. I wanted to see if there was a different angle to it and make it into something I could be more comfortable with. I looked at some guys blog about good girl spanking and I thought “Ah, ok, so its still kind of painful but its for a reward, and they are all really happy about it.” That just clicked in my head, it didn’t sound intense or destructive, it just sounded like fun. DQ: But you said you’d seen that kind of dynamic on CSI and other stuff before? BF: Yeah but I didn’t have that in me, I was just Mr normal vanilla masturbaty guy. I felt like I was going to have to change for the relationship to keep going, that was where the anger came from because I knew you had tried to change and couldn’t, and that now I had to adapt and I just didn’t know how I was going to. It sounded implausible. DQ: Because at the time your perception was that it meant you would have to become some aggressive, dominant imposing figure at all times? BF: Yeah, so the anger was more directed at myself because I really wanted to try and find a way that I could handle it. When I find out about Good Girl spanking, I got that there were different ways to do this, which was a relief. We did some good girl spankings and I really liked them, I was making you happy and I was OK with doing it. DQ: It was a compromise, I think? BF: Yeah, which led to the reward spanking idea, where you set a weight loss goal and I would reward with spanking equal to how much you lost that week. That was when I actually started to get into it, I got to have fun, be dominant, know there was a good reason behind it and know you were getting what you wanted. It worked at the time. Obviously the weight loss one went when you got pregnant.
That would have been very harsh!
BF: Then we came up with the “Clever Girl” spanking to take its place.
This was basically anytime I did something cunning enough that made BeardFace quote Jurassic Park’s iconic “Clever Girl.” As I’m such a constant genius, this happened frequently.
DQ: I remember when you proposed the idea of reward spanking, I was a bit torn. On the one hand I was happy that you had found a way in, but I had only ever been spanked as punishment or as a random showing of dominance. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get my head round being spanked for doing good. BF: Was that before it happened or after? DQ: Before, when the idea first came around. What meant more to me at the time was that you were trying so hard to do this for me, so I was happy with it. Also I’d never tried reward spanking, so I thought its worth a go! Once we started doing it, I really liked it and got the idea of being spanked in a different way as a reward. BF: In the end, it was just a stepping stone to the Dom/Brat thing we now have. We are kind of where you wanted to be now aren’t we? We just took a funny route. DQ: Exactly. BF: The good thing is about that, is because I got to pick the way of me getting there, and at my own pace, I’m actually really enjoying it. I think if you had told me what to do and how and when, I still wouldn’t be into it. DQ: And if I had kept pushing for this dynamic too quickly. BF: Because I had the chance to research, read other views, experiences and varieties, I knew there was a way I could get into it happily. I always found the most enjoyable part of porn seeing the people in it actually enjoying themselves. If I suspect they are not or worse, that they don’t like what’s happening, then it wont do anything for me at all. At first I needed to verbally hear you enjoying a spanking for me to be able to also enjoy it, I don’t need that now, because I get it more and know regardless of what you are saying or what noises you are making you are enjoying yourself, and that you’ll safeword if you are not. It was a great way for us to start having that time together that wasn’t penetrative sex. We now know it wasn’t either of our favourite things. We have sex and its fun, but the spanking is now something that’s goes beyond that for both of us. DQ: I was always a bit paranoid with you, about being into spanking because I thought this isn’t his thing. I don’t think he gets it, he probably just wants to have sex. BF: In the past, not recently? DQ: Yep, in my head at the time, masturbation was just a form of solo sex. It was a, “well, I have no vagina to put this in so I will just sort it out myself.” Without really appreciating it is its own thing. BF: I guess for you masturbation isn’t the kink though, you couldn’t fulfil your kink by yourself so you had to watch it and masturbate, but for me the masturbation itself is the kink. DQ: Yeah, because from what I understand, of what you have told me, when you masturbate you kind of go window shopping? BF: Oh yeah, its whatever suits my mood at the time. DQ: Going off to find new things? BF: I literally can get off to anything, as long as they are having fun. DQ: The reason I am very glad, we have been able to get into spanking now is because for a while I just assumed it was only me who wasn’t fussed about penetrative sex and that you only didn’t want to have sex all the time because of the ejaculation issue, but is it fair to say you also just don’t generally care about penetrative sex? BF: Absolutely. DQ: Because given the choice you would rather masturbate? BF: Yep, I would. I’m sorry. DQ: No, don’t be sorry, I totally get that now. If I was given a choice to have sex or be spanked. Well we both know full well where that would go. BF: Which I think is now why we do both, I spank you then want to masturbate immediately after. I get so into the spanking now, I get a hard on and need to deal with it and masturbation is the preferred method. DQ: I’ve found that realisation to be like a second liberation really, the first liberation was that I love being spanked, and now its that I don’t really care about having penetrative sex. I feel that second liberation for both of us as a couple. We no longer pretend that’s our main source of sexual fulfilment. Spanking is always going to be mine, masturbation will always be yours. The only problem is masturbation is done solo. BF: I could make you one of those paddling machines for when I’m not around. DQ: Thanks, but I’m not sure that would really do……. BF: I can load my angry voice into it? DQ: Mmmmm, maybe.
What do you wish we would have done better when handling the spanking issue/introduction?
BF: I don’t know if it could have been done better? DQ: Really? BF: Yeah I think the anger and confusion was necessary, it sucked that it had to happen like that but if I had not verbalised any of my feelings about it or got so affected by it, I wouldn’t have come out of it in the same way, I wouldn’t have drawn my own understanding or feelings towards it. If I had of just gone, “oh okay, go on then I’ll spank you every Monday and Friday evening and that will be that” I wouldn’t have enjoyed it, I’d have just been going through the motions to please you. Or if I had of just brushed it off altogether then we probably wouldn’t even be together now. So it was literally the only good outcome for both of us. I had to adjust and get affected by it, so I could ultimately accept and embrace it. DQ: Should I have had more faith in you? BF: When? When we were having the arguments? Or before hand? That’s right! Now I’m asking the questions! DQ: When it all came to a head, I just assumed you wouldn’t have been into it, and that’s what held me back talking to you properly about it. BF: No I don’t think you were wrong to wait until when you did. I think if you had told me earlier, I probably wouldn’t have taken it as seriously, or looked into it as much as I did. Its not pleasant going through it the way we did but, weirdly, I think it was the best way for it to come out. DQ: You knew I liked being spanked, but we deliberately never discussed what I did with SportsCar. Neither of us wanted to hear or relive it. BF: I never had any issue hearing you liked it when I did, but if I had of known you wanted it to be part of our relationship, back then, maybe it would have affected things? DQ: Would it have scared you off? BF: Probably not, but it may have made me worry about it. Now, we have this massive foundation of love, trust and shared commitments built over time, finding out these new things about each other is easier now we have that. Knowing how important this was to you and knowing you had felt the need to keep it from me for so long, meant I knew I had to do something for you about it. DQ: When else would have been a good time? BF: Well that’s it, not before the wedding for example. It would have bought up a trust issue that could have ruined things. DQ: But I did bring it up just before we tried for a baby? BF: We were still in the phase of deciding whether to go for IVF or not, had you already been pregnant I may have had an issue with the timing. DQ: I think that was what triggered me to do it, to be honest, knowing we were about to go into the next phase, and a massive phase. I thought I’ve got to say something now! BF: That’s why I felt it must be the last secret you are keeping from me, because this was the last potential point we could walk away before it became so much bigger. You knew that it could have split us up, and I know you knew that because of how depressed you got. DQ: In my head, the reason I told you was that I realised. I wasn’t getting spanked by anyone else, nor did I want to be really. In a fantasy way maybe I did, but in reality I never intended to be. The getting told off, getting punished, that sort of thing. Not getting spanked, but all the bits around it that were less conspicuous. I became aware that I couldn’t stop this from happening. I didn’t want to be doing it the way I was doing it but I didn’t know what else I could do. Knowing we were about to have a child, it felt like we had been doing so many things that were like an added layer of commitment to each other, starting a relationship, moving in, getting married, buying a house, getting a dog, then having children is like the biggest one ever. I never wanted to go into having a child with someone I didn’t intend to be with forever, so when I confronted that before starting the IVF, I did think it could end if this doesn’t go my way. BF: I felt it could have been the end too, that’s why it got so bad, because I knew we needed to solve the problem or it could be over. DQ: That’s why I got so depressed, because it was literally the only problem I had with us, but it was so big for me, I couldn’t let it go.
Do you enjoy spanking me now?
BF: Absolutely……. End of interview!!! DQ: Wa, wooah, no not yet! BF: OK DQ: How did you feel the first time after we started reward spanking? BF: I would say the reward spanking, I was very happy doing them and they did turn me on. I’m sure you noticed from the boner rubbing on your legs.
I did.
BF: Then we paused for a bit towards the end of your pregnancy, when we did get back into it I really started to enjoy it more, because we’d had a break and I’d been thinking about it and just really got more into it. I know it sucks that it’s so recent. DQ: Would you say starting to watch the Jillian Keenan videos on YouTube were a turning point on the type of spanking we now enjoy? BF: Us watching them together helped me to verbalise the questions I had and just talk to you more about it all. I don’t agree with everything she says in those videos, I was a bit disheartened by the bit where her and her friends all very happily declared you definitely could not convert a vanilla. I felt a bit excluded. DQ: Yeah I obviously don’t agree with that one either, but….. BF: But yeah, watching her videos, getting her points of view on spanking, some proper explanations around it. DQ: I think you were already getting more adventurous with it before those videos, we made a sex toy shopping trip to Brighton before them. BF: Sure, but in terms of the type of spanking I enjoy today, her videos were the turning point. We did buy a load of tools from Brighton that we didn’t get to use because you got too big.
Pregnant big, he’s not being a dick.
BF: So once you’d had the baby, knowing they were under the bed waiting to be played with did quite turn me on.
So that’s why the baby was early…..
When I mentioned I wanted to watch Jillian Keenan’s videos, what made you ask to watch them with me?
BF: Because it was still new to me. I need a lot of information when something is new to me and I’d got a lot, but only from you. DQ: You wanted someone else’s input? BF: Yeah and she seemed like, she knew what she was talking about, she’s a professional writer, she has a book on it. I did learn a lot from it, like I say, some bits made me feel a bit excluded but overall it was positive. DQ: It took the 2 of us quite a while to watch some of the videos, because we kept pausing them to talk about each point they made, which was good. I found the most helpful videos we saw were the ones with just her and her partner. BF: Yes agreed. DQ: When they were playing their matching game. BF: Yeah, those ones were definitely helpful, I liked seeing that even in a D/s relationship they still had differences. DQ: And that they were just a normal happy couple, who did this too. BF: Yeah, you don’t always see that side of it. DQ: I found when we paused, to play along, I discovered some new things about myself too. For example, I always thought I wanted a full on Domestic Discipline relationship, but as times gone on and we’ve been playing more and building a new dynamic from scratch. I’ve kind of got to the point now where I don’t really feel I need that anymore. I’m happy with the balance we’ve got, where we do creep into DD but its not 24/7 and we’re not particularly strict with how and when we initiate it. BF: I actually look forward to doing funishment type ones now, because we don’t do them for anything really affecting and I’m getting used to being stricter.
BeardFace smiles, in a way that sends a shiver straight to my butt.
Would you say you now understand Punishment Spanking?
Because if you don’t, I did a thing you could read 🙂
BF: It’s not my favourite type to do, but I do now understand why you like it, and that in turn gets me more into doing it, knowing that you are really into it. For my personal preference I like them to be more fun and spontaneous. Like the one before this interview.
What? We were about to talk about spanking for hours? Don’t judge us! Also, It was good.
DQ: I remember when we watched one of those videos, you had a lot of questions around punishment spankings. I wrote a post about explaining it to someone like you who didn’t get them. BF: I haven’t read it. DQ: I Know. It’s OK.
It’s not OK
DQ: The post is based a lot on how I explained it to you when you had these questions. So, from my explanation did you understand them any better? BF: I get that they aren’t just an excuse to hit, they have a purpose. DQ: Do you understand why they would be enjoyable for someone, from either side? BF: I get that as a submissive you would enjoy someone taking that authoritative stance, and saying “No, you did the bad thing and now I’m going to teach you what happens when you do the bad thing” I get that there’s a whole other layer of submission to a punishment spanking that you don’t get out of play. So yeah I can get why as a submissive you would get something from that. I don’t get that myself. DQ: Well no, it’s not your thing. BF: Exactly, but I now enjoy dishing it out to you, because I get it.
Moving forward…
Is there anything we do, that you would like to stop doing, do differently or anything you want to start doing?
BF: I think we need to experiment with new tools. We’ve only played with a few types of implements. Can I spank you with a book? DQ: Sure. BF: Sweet, now I need to find the right book.
BeardFace contemplates books for a moment.
DQ: Are you familiar with the concept of laying out the implements you wish to use for the spankee to see beforehand? BF: Seen it in porn. DQ: I like that kind of thing, laying them out in order of viciousness and we only go up to the worse one if I’m really giving you a hard time. BF: Interesting. How would I know what your worst one would be though? What if you bratted until you got to your favourite? DQ: I guess this loops back to your answer, we need to experiment with loads of implements so we both know all the good the bad and the meh. BF: I like my hand best. DQ: Me too. BF: I like the pleasant burn feel at the end, my hands all warm and I know I’ve done a good job.
DismayQueen giggles again, but then worries she’s created a monster.
BF: But yeah we need to play more, they can then become part of punishments once we know what’s the best/worst. DQ: Is there anything we’ve done that you didn’t like? BF: No I don’t think so. I quite like you being a brat. DQ: Gives you something to bounce off of? BF: Exactly, I now know what you are doing and I know what to say and do in response. When it’s too Dominant/Submissive it doesn’t really suit me, or you. Saying that, when we were downstairs earlier and I told you to go stand in the middle of the room and you did, it turned me on, like a significant amount. But then again, I don’t think that’s because you did it, its because you went all squirmy and cheeky about it. So maybe it is the brat thing. DQ: I personally think it’s more fun that way, and I guess that’s why I am the way I am with it. Complete submission does do it for alot of people, and I do get why. I wouldn’t mind doing it for a night, or a weekend, just trying to be a good submissive. BF: Oh yeah, I would like to try that too. I’d quite like to tie you to the door too. DQ: Oh, really? I mean you can get bars that go over the door for that I think. BF: Meh, but that doesn’t seem that domestic, I kind of want to use something round the house to tie you up with, seems more spontaneous.
BeardFace then starts listing other things in the room he could tie me to.
This goes on a while.
How do you feel about people knowing about what we do now?
BF: As in knowing what BeardFace and Dismay Queen do? Or knowing what us under our real names do? DQ: Both. BF: From the BeardFace prospective, I’m cool with it. From the me perspective, I don’t know that I’m ready yet. Also, the world is a shit place currently, I don’t know if I could add extra worries for myself on top of everything I am currently worrying about. DQ: You’d be worried people would freak out over it? BF: I think I know who would and who wouldn’t and I don’t really care about those who would freak out, but right now I don’t need that. I’d love to be open about it, so maybe in a post Covid world, I’ll have some room for other worrying.
Would you now publicly recommend and/or defend spanking as a sexual act?
BF: If people enjoy it, they should find a way to do it. But more importantly, if you find penetrative sex kind of boring and unfulfilling, you should feel able to go find a kink or fetish that does satisfy you. Doesn’t have to be spanking, could be anything.
We’ve been hearing a lot about Spanking Parties and having other play partners. In a post-Covid world, would you be interested in that?
BF: It would be interesting to go to one. DQ: How would you want it to work if we did go to one? BF: I get that it would be a new vibe and you’d get to meet people similar to yourselves, who are into something you are into. For me I don’t feel I need it from anyone else right now, but I get that you might, and I wouldn’t mind that happening. DQ: Would you get anything out of watching me get spanked by someone else? BF: No probably not, which is weird because I think I would enjoy watching everyone else’s spanking sessions. But if it was you, it would either be because it was a type of spanking I wasn’t able to do, or it would be one I could and I’d just be thinking “why am I not over there doing it!” DQ: I’d like to try being topped by a woman. BF: There you go, I can’t provide that, so go for it.
Yay!
Summary
Respectively based off of some of the questions from Jillian Keenan’s “Do all Spankos think the same?”
Do you think a person can get into spanking?
BF: Yes, absolutely.
If you could take my spanking fetish away from me, so that I had no memory of it and so that it never caused all the arguments and disorientationwe’ve had over it. Would you do it?
BF: Absolutely not. DQ: No? BF: No I wouldn’t change you, if I took that out you’d be a completely different person to the one you are now. So, no.
Phew, because I wanted to keep it too!
Useful Links if anything above sounded intriguing.
Jillian Keenan Videos She has a YouTube Channel you should definitely check out, like, subscribe etc. Also, the videos we referenced.
There is a risk when starting a relationship with someone who doesn’t share your fetish. They may never get it, want no part of it and expect you to do without it. This will probably result in either a breakup, an unhappy relationship constantly on the verge of explosive arguing caused by mutual lack of fulfilment or years of repression.
And for most of us Brits, it will usually default to the latter.
The problem is, the opposite is also true.
If you start a relationship with someone that started off the back of a Munch meetup where you discovered you are both obsessed with caning, there is a danger that could be all you have in common. You now spend your evenings in separate rooms with no knowledge or care for how the other person’s day was, but you can’t go anywhere, because in around an hour’s time you are gonna get the absolute caning of a lifetime which will keep you happy and juicy until tomorrow’s rinse and repeat.
So what’s the solution?
Well solution is a strong word.
Then why did you use it?
Shut up, me!
Maybe the correct terms are ideal and compromise…
Ideal
The ideal would be that you fall for someone based on chemistry, shared interests and that warm fuzzy feeling you get in their presence. Then a month or so in, you are both watching The man from U.N.C.L.E, Armie Hammer threatens to put Alicia Vikander over his knee and a bulge/wet patch appears on both crotches simultaneously.
Or
After meeting up every other day in the sunshine to be thrashed with whatever reeds and twigs have kindly fallen to the woodland clearings, he/she asks if you fancy picking up a Papa John’s Two for Tuesday, a bottle of wine and getting home with enough time to watch all the Lord of the Rings films back to back and you’ve jumped in their car before they can say “Director’s cut”
That’s your ideal, and that’s all I’m writing on the Ideal. You fuckers lucked out, so that’s all you get from me.
For the benefit of the tape, I am joking!
I am genuinely very happy for you if you got the ideal. It involved putting yourself out there in the first place and opening up to someone about your sexual identity and preferences. That’s not easy and if you did get lucky you deserve it.
Enjoy your fuzzies, your pizza and your LOTR marathons X
But the bigger struggle (in my eyes) comes with the compromise part.
Compromise
So this is the one close to my heart and the one I want to try and (fingers crossed) help with.
As mentioned in my last post “Contaminating Vanilla” I did start a relationship with someone I knew didn’t share my spanking fetish and I assumed never would.
The whole story of introducing and pushing the subject is in that post, so I won’t rehash it, but I did mention that I felt very guilty when things finally came to a head and I couldn’t repress my inclination any longer. I worried I might be emotionally blackmailing to get my way or was having unreasonable expectations.
But deep down, I don’t know that my husband was ever really “Vanilla”
Now I don’t like “Vanilla” as a label
Not as an ice cream, nor as a terminology for non-fetishists. However as a milkshake it’s admirable.
It seems to be associated with an aggression and an ignorance, which I don’t think fairly represents everyone who isn’t into a particular fetish. So for that reason I choose to use “Vanilla” to classify people who not only are not into my fetish, but are actually against it.
The sort of people who say it’s perverse, there’s something wrong with me, I’m damaged, I need help and so on and so forth.
The sort of people who say sex is;
Step 1. Penis go in Vagina. Step 2. Penis leave Vagina. Step 3. Repeat Steps 1 & 2 until tired OR Distracted.
Just to clarify, there is absolutely nothing wrong with with anyone classifying that as sex and happily only ever getting off on that. So long as they don’t judge or persecute others for venturing out a bit further.
So by this definition, BeardFace was categorically not “Vanilla”
He never judged me for my fetish, he simply said it wasn’t his thing. Once my fetish was out to him he did start to open up to things he had done or wanted to do that weren’t in line with my above 3 Step Vanilla process, so I never really gave up or thought it too crazy a pipe dream for him coming round to my side.
Converting is a strong word, for me to convert means to flip something on its head.
Wouldn’t that be invert?
I told you to shut up!
Anyway, I don’t know that you can take someone who doesn’t like something and completely change their mind, even if they want to try. And, I’m afraid I don’t think you can teach someone to be a Dom or Sub.
But….
I do think people can find it within themselves.
Analogy Warning!!!
Lets equate a Spanking fetish to “Travel” for example.
You have someone who loves Travel. They grew up travelling, they would read travel books growing up, they saw so much of the world from as early as they can remember and that life was all they ever knew. So, when they got to an appropriate age, guess what, they travelled, and they loved every second of it.
You then have someone who hates to travel. They’re parents would try and take them abroad and they would sulk the whole time, pining for their bedroom. They loved their home comforts, hated flying and the faff and the anxiety it brought. So, when they get to an appropriate age, guess what, they stay home, they’ve tried going away since and it’s still the same stressful waste of money it always was, plus they love being at home, why the hell are they gonna bother travelling?
Then you have someone who never really travelled much as a kid, the odd trip to France maybe and that one time their rich friends parents paid for everyone to go to Disneyland. They would browse through holiday brochures, and it would spark the odd “oh” and “ah” but nothing too impassioned. So, when they get to an appropriate age, guess what, they kinda just assumed travel wasn’t for them and they cracked on with things like education, work, family etc. Then one day, their mate Terry proposes a backpacking adventure across Europe, it’ll only be a few months and they’ve got nothing else on, so hey, why not? They get off to a nervous start, worrying about money, language barriers and the accommodation Terry failed to book (classic Terry!) but a week or so in, they fucking love it. When it’s all over, they get home, immediately start Googling “Hitchhiking in South East Asia” and start a group chat asking “who’s up for Asia then?!” (Terry’s still in Lisbon with that waitress, classic Terry! )
Would you say that the last person is any less of a traveller than the first?
Maybe, the first person has been doing it all their life and has never known any other viewpoint, but surely that shouldn’t detract from the third person’s new found love and appreciation for it, right?
Analogy Over, as you were
OK, so let’s drop travel now, and Terry.
I am a Spanking Fetishist, I have been into Spanking since I became aware of my sexual desires and it is and always has been my primary source of sexual satisfaction both mentally and physically.
But if someone tries it later in life, maybe they never really worried too much about sex before, they just thought it wasn’t really a big deal to them, then they gave someone a spanking and it tore a hole in their universe.
Then surely they can identify as a Spanking Fetishist too? Well I think they can.
Can you “Get into” Spanking?
We’ve now established that I believe you can get into a fetish, even if you haven’t always had it.
However, I want to disclaimer this next part by saying this is my personal belief based on my experiences, as well as stories I have heard from others who were in our position. There are no guarantees someone will take to something in the way you hope even if they really try or really want to. It’s a shame, but it’s how it goes.
If you are hoping to get someone involved in D/s play, if you are hoping to come round to it for someone special or even if you just wanna try something new together. I thought it might be helpful to share some indicators I had with BeardFace that he might be a Spanko after all.
It’s also worth noting I am writing this from the perspective of a Spankee trying to entice a Spanker. I can appreciate the opposite scenario might be trickier to navigate. I’m no expert in that field (or any field for that matter) but hopefully some points may be applicable to both scenarios and be of some assistance?
1. He is Open Minded, Liberal and Inclusive.
As mentioned previously, BeardFace never judged me for my fetish, he just didn’t really know what to make of it at first.
When it comes to any sexual fetish, identity or orientation, he’s more curious to learn about it and understand it, and ultimately, help support it.
It stands to reason that someone who’s open minded and inclusive is gonna be more inclined to (at the very least) not knock it till they’ve tried it.
2. GSOH
Yeah, it’s your classic dating profile tickbox, but it goes a long way when it comes to trying out a scene, especially with a Brat!
One of the turning points for us was when BeardFace figured out being a Dom (to me) didn’t necessarily mean he would have to be super serious all the time. Super serious is just not how we roll!
I’m a Brat, I like to play and be naughty, and then get told off and “punished” (or “funished” if you will.) I’ll be honest, I’m not great at being actually punished, I get giggly, silly and just enjoy myself too much. I would no doubt drive a more serious Dom insane. Its still a valid D/s scene even if your Dom is laughing and being silly too.
I personally don’t care if I’m being spanked by someone who keeps laughing at my feeble attempts to talk my way out of trouble or by someone who’s very serious and won’t take any of my shit. I kinda prefer the former.
If someone who is reluctant realises it can be light, fun and silly, it can take a lot of the performance anxiety away. If you do want more intense or serious scenes, you might be able to build up to them from a more humorous starting point rather than try and go too intense too fast.
3. A Flair for the Theatrical.
BeardFace never shies away from a performance. Its magnificent!
He may not be a social firework on all occasions, but he’ll be enthusiastically up on the dance floor, jump around a stage playing bass in a punk band and gleefully commit to a character in D&D, murder mystery, costume parties etc.
This may sound like it has F all to do with spanking, but stay with me people.
When you have someone mild mannered, who naturally (and rightfully) worries about women’s rights and domestic equality, it’s tricky to ask them to spank the hell out of you for talking back to them.
Now in our scenario, I’m not a 24/7 sub, I get the appeal, but it’s not something that I ever felt I need. So all BeardFace and I are doing when we scene is playing a part for a bit. For fun!
I guess that’s why it’s called a scene? *tiny explosion is heard from me blowing my own mind
It does bleed into our everyday life a little bit, for example, my last spanking was for allowing a cup lid to blow away from me whilst we were out walking. It was deemed littering and I got spanked later that night. I obviously argued it was wholly unfair and a horrendous miscarriage of justice, blah blah blah, whilst my insides were having a party, because Brat.
But generally speaking, BeardFace only pretends to be a strict disciplinarian when we play or scene, for fun! In the same way he pretends to be Michael Jackson on the dancefloor or a magical paladin in a D&D campaign, for fun!
It does depend how intense you want your dynamic to be, but someone who’s up for a bit of performance, immersion or whimsy might be more up for the challenge of a new role?
4. A Perfect Dom in other areas
This is an important one, so obviously I put it 4th to really emphasise that.
Being someone’s Dom is not just the Spanking and punishments, at least it really shouldn’t be, especially in the context of a loving relationship.
Again, I wouldn’t say we currently practice a 24/7 dynamic, but BeardFace always has naturally possessed a lot of the traits a good Dom should have.
He’s protective of me, and not in a “Oi mate! are you looking at my woman” kind of way, but actively caring about my health, safety and wellbeing.
He tells me off, quite a bit, but not in an angsty way, normally for the aforementioned health and safety type reasons. Phrases like this come up alot….
“I’m not leaving this room until you call the doctor?” “Don’t wear those shoes if they are not comfortable” “Have you taken painkillers? No? Okay I’ll get you some, you stay in bed” “Don’t drive if you’re tired”
You get the idea. These are not phrases used by a tyrant, or an abusive spouse. They are the sort of things most partners worry about when you love and want to protect someone.
He may not have known it, but in some ways he’s been my Dom since we got together.
He’s not an aggressor or a pushover. Not just to me but in general.
He never looks or hopes for conflict but if it does arise he’s not going to run away. He may not have always been on board with the D/s, but he’s never laid down and taken my shit either. He keeps a calm head and resolves the conflict.
And a calm head is hot3 in a Dom.
I get much more from being stared at whilst I jabber on before being gently asked “if I’ve finished?” As oppose to getting yelled at and thrown around.
We communicate and are a good team. In all aspects of our relationship.
In domestic life, I do the dishwashing because he doesn’t like food based mess and he does the clothes washing because I don’t like the spider infested outhouse our washing machine is in. We talked about chores and negotiated a fair split, we both work and take care of our child and dog equally.
D/s, spanking and BDSM are all about communication, trust and consent. As we are able to communicate and be completely honest with each other, establishing hard/soft limits, boundaries, preferences and safety has been quite straight forward and comfortable. There’s no judgement, just encouragement, pride and excitement at hearing each others fantasies.
I’d hope most people have at least an element of this in their relationships as standard, and if you do that’s awesome.
If someone is new to the idea of spanking, selling it as “Please spank me when I’m naughty” can be vague and daunting for someone just getting their head around being a Dom. They’ll worry about when to initiate, how hard, how many, how you’ll respond, how it will be awkward if they misjudge it. However, selling it as “Maybe next time you have to ask me 3 times to call the doctor, you could find another way to drive the point home?” It will happen more organically and in a sense you would have both consented to this scene without having to break character.
Now I’m not big on bringing big life problems into spanking scenes, neither is BeardFace. it can cause an actual disagreement/argument and break the mood but there is no doubt several little things you do that could act as a win/win for both parties. You get your spanking (with bonus telling off for added wetness) and they get to exorcise their minor frustration at that thing you keep doing.
As long as it’s agreed and consensual, of course!!
Conclusion of Sorts
My next post will be along the lines of explaining the idea of consensual Spanking and Punishment to those who just don’t get it, which may also help with the above.
If you are in the position we were in. I can’t promise you’ll get the same outcome we did, I can’t even determine what outcome we’ve had just yet. I’m sorry I wish I could.
I do believe people can love a fetish even if they haven’t always had it.
I do believe 2 people can come to a compromise, as long as they both have an open mind, communicate effectively and take things slowly. (Slowly is very frustrating, especially when you are painfully thirsty for it, but trust me it’s very important. Whenever I tried to push forward too quickly I ended up just pushing things back!)
I would not ask someone to repress their fetish, I don’t think it’s a fair or viable way to live, assuming the fetish does not harm anyone who can’t or has not consented. There are so many options I haven’t even talked about yet, open relationships, spanking parties, professional disciplinarians or submissives. Maybe, none of these appeal to you or your partner but I don’t believe you are being unreasonable trying to find a solution when you are with someone who doesn’t share it.
If you are in this position, I wish you the very best of luck working through this and hope you get the compromise that makes you and your partner happier and stronger than ever before.
Jotting from the Bottom 