There have been and continue to be very few certainties in my life.
We of course have the grim death and taxes inevitabilities, but that aside.
I have suffered with mental illness for a majority of my life, my parents are not together and are never on good terms, my brother has never really grown past childhood and is now an alcoholic, so I’ve never been part of a strong family unit.
I was sexually assaulted on 2 separate occasions by 2 separate boys at the age of 8 and then at around 11.
I left school at 13 when my mental health deteriorated and proceeded to not leave my house (other than the odd shopping trip) for around 4 years. Subsequently I did not gain any qualifications, or go to college/university.
I did not have any friends, let alone romantic relationships.
I had no plans, aspirations or goals. Everything seemed unattainable and for most of my youth my future was foggy and uncertain.
Yeah, that was far less grim!
Shut up Brain!
So there was very little in life that I knew for certain that I wanted.
The above circumstances led me to keep my hopes diminutive, and they were (in no particular order) as follows;
- I wanted to settle down with someone, for love and not for convenience.
- I wanted to earn my own money and not rely on someone else’s income.
- I wanted my own home.
- I wanted to redefine my sexuality as a positive thing and not an abusive trauma. In my case this was being a (very willing and consenting) submissive and a spankee.
- I wanted to be a mother and be part of a supportive and loving family.
If you read number 4 as “be sexually active with a partner” you could consider all 5 of the above to be pretty pedestrian goals. The sort of goals most people would take for granted as almost certainties.
Well I’m pleased to report that as I write this I have successfully achieved all 5 of these.
The PlayStation gamer in me is going to wait for a sec now to see if a trophy pops………
Nope…….
Maybe I need to finish the post first?……….
Oh well……..
The only problem with life goals is that sometimes they cancel each other out. For example you can’t really aspire to be an Olympic gold medal winning swimmer and a Michelin star chef in one lifetime. It’s technically possible, but they are 2 completely separate disciplines and you would be better off picking one and dedicating your energy to ensuring you do everything you can to achieve that one.
Well this is kind of how I felt for many years about numbers 4 and 5.
- Get a job, get a house, settle down with someone, have children? – Sure, sounds do-able.
- Get a job, get a house, settle down with someone, get them to spank you? – Sure, I can manage that!
- Get a job, get a house, settle down with someone, get them to spank you, and have children? – Urmmmmmm………
I never really got my head around how I was going to manage both of those at the same time, and assumed I would have to compromise.
The difficulty of these 2 seemingly conflicting goals for me could be split into 2 areas of concern.
The Practicality and the Principle.
This post is going to focus primary on the latter of these.
The second is the one that I have been giving the most thought to of late, it also doesn’t seem to have much coverage online.
I found any “Advice for kinky parents” articles I looked through were largely about giving kids to grandparents, soundproofing, heavy music, code words etc. Which is all good and valid advice, but did not talk about the emotional side of it all.
The Practicality
I don’t feel qualified to talk about this one much at the moment.
My husband and I have an 8 month old son, and I am spanked, caned, punished and told off daily (did I mention I’m a Brat? Good, just checking)
The fact that we are able to live like this currently is purely down to luck.
We got very, very lucky!
Our son is amazing.
And to misquote Douglas Adams entirely;
“Our son is perfect. You just won’t believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly perfect he is. I mean, you may think it’s a long way down the road to the chemist’s, but that’s just peanuts to the perfection of our son.”
Seamless!
Aside from his adorable face, squidgy limbs, gummy smile and calm temperament, he sleeps through the night. This means, we put him to bed around 7-7:30pm, he self soothes to sleep and stays asleep until around 7:30-8am.
Once we put him to bed, we have dinner and then have the rest of the evening to ourselves……
*wiggles eyebrows suggestively
The white noise in his room, and his ability to sleep deeply and ignore most noises (we can probably thank our yappy dog for that one!) means he blissfully sleeps through any slapping, swooshing and yelping coming from our adjoining bedroom.
In addition, being 8 months old, he can’t understand a word we are saying. I can be cheeky to Daddy and be told “If you are not careful young lady, tonight I will cane your bare bottom until its purple” and baby is far too busy trying to grab the carpet fibres and shove them in his mouth to know or care what we are babbling about.
This won’t last long.
He will get bigger and more knowing (so I’m told.)
He will identify noises, and stumble out of bed to investigate.
He will understand our comments to each other.
He will be taught to understand that violence is not an acceptable means of resolving conflict.
He will not need to know, nor want to know about his parents sexlife.
And many other potential complications.
There are workarounds and solutions to these complications, and many many parents enjoy an active sexlife (Kinky or Vanilla) separate to their family and home life.
I have ideas for maintaining a balance in the future, but won’t pretend I have any insight until I have successfully crossed that bridge.
What I have dealt with is the emotional side.
Which brings us nicely onto……
The Principle
Or Doing it wrong.
Regardless…
You’re doing it!
I will start by saying.
I am a sexual submissive, I am proud of this.
I wouldn’t change it for anything and strongly advocate that whatever anyone chooses to do in life in pursuit of self fulfilment is excellent, so long as it is consented by all involved parties and is not at the expense of / does not harm anyone who did not or could not consent.
That being said….
Much like when you are driving happily along, then a police car drives nearby and you suddenly scan your brain to make sure you don’t have a dead body in the trunk or a mounted gun on the roof.
When I became a parent, I suddenly scanned every choice I’ve ever made, every moral I hold and every future plan I have for inconsistencies and potential effects on my child’s upbringing.
So naturally my sexual orientation came up several times.
Spoiler Alert!!
I mean, not really because you already know that we are still engaging in Spanking and Domestic Discipline play, and that we have an 8 month old.
But I concluded that not only am I fine with this lifestyle running alongside being a parent, but that I believe it is actually important that it does.
And just like I never did in any exam that told me to (did I mention I’m a Brat? Good, just checking)
I am going to show my working;
Lets start with the master question;
What if they found out?
From here many more questions branch off, but let’s address this one first.
So I have some (as it turns out) unorthodox and mildly controversial stances on parenting.
The Less-Controversial one
Let’s get this one out there quickly before people worry.
I do not condone smacking children
This is covered a lot across the spanking community and the overall majority as I have seen it feel the same.
Spanking is a sexual act and is done between consenting adults. Also, it doesn’t serve any benefit to the child’s behaviour or view on how conflict is dealt with and especially their regard and trust towards their adult caregivers.
I do believe in “parenting.” I believe in consequences and boundaries and making both yourself and your child accountable for their actions, just not enforcing this physically, especially anywhere near that area.
The More Controversial Ones
I couldn’t give a fuck about swearing.
Not to say I will be encouraging my children to swear, nor that I will be in anyway discouraging them to search out all the different words and phrases they can use to express themselves verbally.
I just care a lot more about the intent of what they have said, rather than how they have said it.
For example;
I would be horrified if my kid pointed at another child and said
“Mummy, that boy is an idiot”
It is insulting, rude and discouraging to the other child. Although I have seen some parents not only barely register this type of statement, but in some cases laugh or encourage it.
If my child came up to me and gleefully announced
“Mummy, that boys drawing was fucking awesome!”
Yes, there may be better ways to phrase this and swearing may not be necessary (for children or adults) but I am not going to reprimand my child for giving such an enthusiastic and encouraging complement to another child.
Although I know a lot who would be far more horrified by the latter, and it doesn’t make any sense to me.
I want them to know about sex.
Again, not that I am going to be showing/telling them everything about sex straight off the bat, they no doubt don’t want to know everything, least of all from their lame old mother!
But I strongly believe children need to be equipped with a certain level of information across all areas of life to best cope with any interactions as they go through life. You can’t shield them from everything at all times, so why not give them a little bit of preparation in safety and on your own terms?
A commonly used, but perfectly valid comparison can be found when reviewing sex education guidelines of countries like Belgium and Holland against our wishy washy and awkwardly reserved mandatory nonsense (speaking from experience) here in the UK.
People look at Belgium’s “All about Sex” website and are disgusted that it gets recommended for children as young as 7.
I have only browsed through it briefly but I really can’t see why. It just looks like good advice to me?
So in answer to the question, what if they found out…
Yeah, you remember, there was a question at the start of all this!
I am not going to discuss the particulars of our sex life with my children.
A 7 year old would go “Ewww,” a 12 year old would go “Oh, Mum, please no for the love of god stop talking” and a full on teenager would probably vomit and write a song about the trauma.
No kid wants to know their parents have sex, nor that they even have genitalia, but in the back of their head they know this to be the case, they just wisely choose to ignore it.
But at some point they get to an age where they are thinking about sex, and their sexuality and their desires. They are not going to want to discuss this with me or their dad, but I do want to sow some reassurance seeds early in life, something along the lines of;
- Sex is natural, and healthy and nothing to be ashamed or feel guilty about.
- Sex is something to be done between 2 adults, who can consent and trust and care about each other enough to show vulnerability and have that connection.
- Your desires are nothing to be ashamed or frightened of.
- Sex is for anyone at the age of consent, between any combination of genders, races and disabilities.
- Different people find different sexual activities enjoyable, and as long as it’s consensual and both people are happy, then it’s a wonderful thing.
So there’s the answer.
If my kids found out, I imagine they would be appalled that their father and I have a sex life of any kind (how very dare we!!!)
If they somehow found out about the kinky side of things, I’m hoping the above seeds of reassurance would help soften the blow and allow them to process the idea more rationally.
So now for the branching questions….
As already mentioned, I am not planning on my children finding out what we get up to sexually. But these questions work on the worst case assumption that they did find out.
How would you explain feminism to them if they knew you were spanked by your husband?
Simple, Feminism is about choice.
I choose to partake in this for my own fulfilment and pleasure, as does my husband. It in no way reflects on our feelings towards genders roles in life or in our marriage, and certainly not in our parenting.
We are both feminists, and will be passing on our feminist ideals to our children.
Our Spanking life is separate.
Wouldn’t it teach them to be violent?
Nope, because we would explain that this is done between 2 people who love and trust each other and is done with full consent.
A violent or physical act done to anyone who does not consent is wrong, which is an ideal we plan to instil in our children anyway from a very early age.
What if others found out, are you not worried your kids would get bullied?
Well of course I am worried my kids will get bullied.
The bad news is they could get bullied because their parents like spanking, they could get bullied because they are a bit short, they could get bullied because they are a bit tall or they could get bullied because they once wore that hat that had a pink logo on it and are therefore a “Gaylord” and need to be beaten up every morning.
Of course I will do everything in my power to protect my children, but maybe let’s try and stop raising bullies, rather than scrutinising reasons why your kid might be targeted.
But it is sick, and you should be ashamed of yourselves as should your children!
Who the hell let you in!?
Well, it is not sick, and I’ve already covered why I believe that. It may not be something you are into or understand but no one with an open, accepting or rational mind would believe otherwise.
And I sincerely hope that’s the kind of humans I go on to raise.
Wouldn’t it be easier to just stop doing it now you have kids?
A Lot do.
Not just BDSM type activites but sex in general, maybe they are too tired, dont have the time or energy to commit to it anymore or just don’t want the hassle or moral dilemma.
And I can respect and fully understand that.
But for me the answer is absolutely no.
I believe the key to a happy family life is to balance all areas.
That means;
- Enjoying time by yourself. Read a book, watch TV, masturbate, bake cookies, eat cookies, whatever it is that pleases you.
- Enjoying time as a couple. Do hobbies together, go on romantic getaways, date nights, sexy times or anything else just for the 2 of you.
- Enjoy time as a parent one-on-one with your children. Play with them, build a fort together, take them out to the park, talk to them about any worries or questions they have about the world.
- Enjoy time as a family. Go on holidays, have film nights, eat dinner together, build a nuclear fallout shelter and pretend it’s just you guys who survived the apocalypse……. No? Just us then?
From all the “mummy groups” and chat I see about parenting I see an alarming amount of people who just believe the first 2 should be disregarded. You now have kids so you don’t matter anymore and if you don’t suspend your own wants and happiness you are a terrible mother.
Slightly paraphrasing there, but I’m not far off!
I don’t believe that for a second, not only do you still matter and your relationship still matters, but it matters to your children too.
I’m speaking as a child of 2 parents who were not happy with any aspect of their life. They blamed each other, the world and us (their kids.)
The implication my brother and I picked up on was that once we came along everything went to shit and they were trapped and could no longer seek happiness.
As a kid, we both felt terrible about this, we felt guilty and burdened that our existence was so damaging to them.
As an adult, I think, no, Fuck that! I didn’t ask to be born.
Kids are a huge commitment, and a life with children is a life of challenges and compromise.
But your kids want you to be happy as much as you want them to be.
What my husband and I do makes us happy, it keeps a good balance in the relationship and satisfies us sexually and now socially too.
Our kids don’t need to know all the ins and outs of that, but the happiness and satisfaction we get from doing what we love and trusting each other to the extent a DD couple do will reflect on the rest of our family life.
If we denied ourselves that, it may cause resentment and a sense of loss, or at the very least we’d lose that cheery spring in our step (the one I get when my butt is sore.)
My view is life is hard enough, if you find something that makes you happy and helps you function better in life. Grab it, and hang onto it and encourage your loved ones to do the same.
Kids don’t want to know what you do in the bedroom, and when they become adults they don’t want you knowing what they do.
We are all happy with that arrangement!
All you all want for each other is for you all to be happy, healthy and safe and kink fits into that plan just fine.
So if like me, you are a responsible and hard working mummy in the day and a naughty spankable little brat in the evening.
Stop worrying and crack on, you are living your best life!
Just like all the memes tell you to.
*waits for trophy to pop……
Dang 😦
Jotting from the Bottom 